six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
