What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
