The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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