I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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