Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
