put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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