I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
