YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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