It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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