Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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