Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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