It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
