I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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