just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
