Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
