you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize