Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
