if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
