I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
