There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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