I cockslap morals
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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