Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
