If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
