nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
