My hand turned me down
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
