does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
