I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
