My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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