i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
