I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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