You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
