I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
