I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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