Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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