So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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