you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
