I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
