My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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