Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
