i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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