Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
