I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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