True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
