you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
