Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
