Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
