my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
