my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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