My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
