I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
