It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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