hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize