My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
