I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
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Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
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Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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