maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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