It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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