did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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