why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
