I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
