I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
